brown dress with white dots
"It's hard convincing yourself that where you are at the moment is your home, and it's not always where your heart is. Sometimes I win and sometimes not."
-- Jonathan Carroll
In many situations there are (at least) two selves fighting inside each of us: The rational, adult self encounters a problem or a certain situation and says: You’ve been here before. You’ve already experienced this sort of person, situation, or difficulty. So handle it based on what happened before; Take what you learned in the past and apply it. Do this and this. Simple.
The other self wails no, no— this is new! It’s entirely different. I don’t know how to deal with it at all. I’ve never met someone this wonderful but I’m terrified I’ll do something wrong and lose them. Or I’ve never encountered anything this confusing or dangerous or challenging. I’m at a total loss for what to do about it. Paralyzed. That’s me, frozen in its headlights.
No matter how often life repeats itself, a part of us always clenches and says in a scared voice, “This is brand new to me. What do I do now?”

— Jonathan Carroll
Vintage auto headlight lens lamp by Joy Price
She was the ghost in the story of his life, haunting all of his houses and later relationships; walking with loud footsteps through too many of his dreams.
Jonathan Carroll
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